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Happily Single?
Fact or Fiction

by ILENE J. DIAMOND
Contributing Writer

How many singles braved the recent holidays fending off the never-ending questions about their love life, dates and marriage prospects? Statistically, more singles than ever according to the experts. The number has doubled over the last 20 years as both women and men continue to establish careers before marriage and as the divorce rate increases.

Many of these singles will honestly answer that they are happy being single, yet friends and family refuse to believe them. According to licensed psychologist Leslie Connor, Ph.D., of the Brandywine Center in Wilmington, it's because the individuals who doubt a single person's happiness are projecting their own feelings into the answer. "Usually when someone has a hard time accepting your answer, they are really expressing their own opinion," says Connor. "The married person who doubts that a single person enjoys being single most likely recalls the discomfort he or she felt when they were single."

Connor says that in all honesty, being single is simpler. "You have the freedom to make decisions without worrying about someone else's feelings, and if you desire, you can leave the light on all night or dishes in the sink without an argument," she explains. "Having no one to answer to may be enticing to some people."

Of course, Connor says that there are some singles who are 'tolerating singlehood' and who feel forced into the situation by the death of their spouse or a divorce. "Some widows and widowers never get over their spouse and find it hard to let themselves enjoy life again. They may find it difficult to think about traveling, dining or going to a movie by themselves," Connor said.

While some singles continue to look for the perfect soul mate, dating coach and author Renee Piane has a few suggestions to help singles celebrate single life. "There is a lack of education on how to be happy and single and how to communicate what you are looking for," Piane explained. "I ask singles to consider what kind of message they are sending out when communicating with the opposite sex. If you are always complaining that it's impossible to meet people, do you think anyone will want to meet someone so negative?" she asks.

A Little Knowledge Goes a Long Way

Piane advises singles to think about what makes them tick. "Take your best quality and enhance it," Piane said. "Build your own self-esteem and do those things that make you feel fulfilled and satisfied with life."

Connor agrees that you should not spend your time looking for someone to make you complete.

"A relationship that is built by two complete people will last longer as each one appreciates the qualities the other person brings to the relationship," Connor said. "Fulfilled people come together out of interest and appreciation for the other, not from emptiness and fear of being alone. Building yourself as a person is the best thing you can do to improve your happiness as a single person."

"Be kind to everyone," Piane emphasized. "You never know who is watching you, and being nice to people makes a lasting impression."

Noticing your surroundings will help you appreciate the little things in life and add to your happiness, Piane says. "Talk to everyone and flirt with life," Piane explains. "When you project a positive outlook, you will feel happy and attract happy people."

Piane went on to say that it is important to know what makes you happy helps others. "The old saying that what goes around comes around is true," she says. "If you are kind and generous with your happiness, others will pass that feeling back to you."

Piane, who has coached hundreds of singles in the Los Angeles area over the past 10 years, recently wrote the first book in a series written to help singles communicate and learn to focus on what makes them happy. Her first book, "Love Mechanics: Power Tools to Build Successful Relationships with Women," addresses a variety of topics that also pertain to single women. "I advise all singles to be honest when they focus on what they want out of life," she says. "Starting a relationship with someone who can't even be honest with themselves is not a good plan."

Relationship Roulette

Even though a single person may be quite content, the fact remains that they might want companionship as opposed to a long-term relationship. "It's fine to not want to be seriously involved with just one person," Piane points out. "But you must be honest about what phase you're in or you run the risk of hurting others."

According to Piane, most of the heartbreak that occurs while dating happens when people are in different phases of their dating life. "The old adage 'wrong time, wrong place' can easily sum up what happens to these singles," Piane says. "In the book ["Love Mechanics"], I encourage singles to examine what phase they are in for example, the no-pressure phase where you just want to date for fun, or the healing phase where you've just come out of a relationship and aren't really ready to do that all over again. I understand how painful falling for someone who is not in the same phase as you are can be. It's important for all singles to recognize these phases and pursue individuals who are in the same phase they are."

Connor teaches a course to university students about the process of dating.

"Dating is truly a lost art," Connor says. "Nowadays many young people go out in groups and do not know how to act on a date." Connor reminds her students that it may take two or three dates to form an opinion about a person. "I advise young singles to be wary of quick attachments and not to view physical intimacy as the only way to attract someone," she explains. "It's easy to get deeply involved too fast and swept away with flattery and such, but only a small percentage of these types of flash-in-the-pan relationships ever work out."

Working long hours and filling your time with hobbies can drastically reduce the hours left over for dating. "Singles who want to work on their social life must make a concerted effort to carve out time to meet new people," Connor emphasizes. "You must ask yourself this: 'What am I saving my time for?'" The prospect of trying to meet someone new can be daunting to those whose lives already seem maxed out by work and other commitments, according to Connor. "If you have a hobby, why not try joining a club where members share your interest, that way even if you don't meet a potential date, you will still enjoy the time you spent there," she added.

Piane agrees that singles need to connect with people on a regular basis and not just with people from the office. "Try to talk to three new people every day," Piane advises. "Practice using your skills with the dry cleaner, develop your sense of humor with the grocery clerk and wherever you are, acknowledge those around you with a smile and kind word. Strike up a conversation with someone new -- you never know who you'll meet."

Connor agrees that exposure is key to meeting people. "Think about where the people are that you'd like to meet and go there," she says. "Maybe it's a religious setting where you can share your spiritual values with like-minded individuals, or maybe it's the gym that appeals to you."

Joining any group and attending for the first time alone takes guts, Connor admits, but you need to remember that others may be there for the exact same reason.

Looking for Love in All Places

Connor points out that dating is not meant to be painful. "Everyone will find a few 'frogs' along the way, but for the most part, it should be a fun experience -- or why bother to do it," she says. "There is nothing wrong with telling people you know well and trust that you are looking to meet someone. It's still a great way to meet people and it's nice to know that someone has a good, solid reputation as a friendly person before you go out with them."

Piane is a strong believer in networking and advises singles to "become involved in the community and help others." Doing something for others makes you feel good inside and you never know who you will meet, Piane added. She hosts networking events that are single-oriented and donates a part of the proceeds to charity. "I was raised in a family that strongly supports charity and giving back to the community," Piane explains. "The more things you try, the better your chances are of meeting someone who appeals to you," she added. Piane, originally born and raised in Wilmington, will host a networking event on February 14 at Kahunaville from 6:30 p.m. to 1 a.m. For more information visit www.delawareonline.com.

If you are thoroughly stuck for a way to meet new people, Connor suggests joining a dating service or trying the Internet. "Both of these techniques require the participants to be careful and to remember to be safe when meeting new people," she says. "Always meet in a public place and keep all your personal information confidential until you are sure you want to meet this person again."

Bridget McCoy is director of It's Just Lunch, a Wilmington and Philadelphia dating service that has been in existence for 11 years. She explains that a dating service can help weed out some of the worry of who you are meeting. "While the price of our service is very reasonable and guarantees a minimum of six dates for a six-month membership, it does keep those people out who are not seriously looking," she says.

Many of It's Just Lunch's clients are business professionals who tend to be too busy to find dates. "Our services allow them to have a low pressure date that only takes an hour or a little longer, depending how well it goes," McCoy says. "Meeting for drinks after work is another service available through our company. We make all the arrangements, based upon the client's preferences, and all the client has to do is show up at the restaurant at the appointed time."

McCoy interviews each client herself and get an in-depth idea of what they are looking for and their interests. "Today busy people outsource everything, from dry cleaning to travel arrangements -- why not have someone else help you find the appropriate person?" McCoy suggests. "The key to meeting new people is to keep an open mind and be flexible. I advise clients to think outside the box and be honest about who they are."

Since September 11th, McCoy and Piane both agree that singles are looking for solid relationships more than ever.

"The world has changed and it's a scary thing to some people to be alone these days," Piane explains. McCoy said that business has increased since 9/11, but she still hasn't found that people are rushing into anything too quickly. "A portion of our clients are divorced and may not be looking to remarry right now, but they definitely want companionship and to meet quality people," McCoy added.

Whether you are single by choice or still trying to meet that perfect match, Connor advises all singles to stop defending themselves when others nose in on their private life. "Singles should not have to defend their lifestyle," Connor emphasizes. "Just change the subject and move on or politely say mind your own business." It's entirely acceptable to be happily single, and it's good to have options if you are not!

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